Adjusting Our Focus

Yesterday, I was on this fast moving train that started at 5 am to leave for work by 6. From there I was going at break-neck speed from Shorewood to New Lenox, to Glen Ellyn back to New Lenox. Speeds cruising at 180 mph, aiming for my final destination; my mom’s in Cicero.

While I was turning the bend in New Lenox for the third time, the train came to a screeching halt. My sister called me from the dairy section in Wal-Mart to tell me her surgeon just called with her latest biopsy report and the report was not good. The third tumor was malignant and she was now looking at a more serious surgery. Yep, she received the news at Wal-Mart. No longer are the days where they call you to the office with your loved one holding your hand to tell you the NEWS.  

I was scheduled to fly out the next morning and be with her for what we thought in the beginning was a very early stage of breast cancer; probably radiation, and no chemo. But, it’s always something and as more tests were done more things were revealed and quite honestly we’re not sure what were looking at.

I quoted Rick Warren in a previous blog paraphrasing that life is like a set of railroad tracks where good and bad are happening at the same time and often on the same day. I have had more than a few of those days and yesterday was no exception.

At work I said good-bye to my manager who was let go without any warning after many years of service, followed by a call from my son to see if I wanted to join his wife at the “greet and meet” for my granddaughter, Onya, who is starting kindergarten. It was also my grandsons Max's first day of high school.

As I was driving home thinking about all my grandchildren and my niece expecting her precious baby Luca this fall, I was overwhelmed with joy and happiness. Then in a matter of minutes my sister called and I was sitting in the parking lot of Taco Bell with tears streaming down my face.

How then should we live? How then do we reconcile all these emotions that come at us with lightening speed? When prayers aren’t answered for our loved ones the way we want? When our hearts are confused by all that is happening in the world around us? We adjust our focus.

When confusion enters my life and I can’t make heads or tails of the situation I know I have taken my focus off of God. I still may not fully understand but I know that God does. He tells us, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, or are your ways My ways. For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways and thoughts higher than yours.”

In my personal bible study I am studying the names of God: names of His deity, character, power, authority, splendor, intimacy and sufficiency. And as often is the case when I feel like my life is on a run-away train, I simply have to pull that emergency handle, go to His word and adjust my focus.

We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Every Once In A While

Last week had me on an emotional roller coaster. Even though my life at times may be going at tremendous speed and I’m hanging on for dear life, for the most part my emotions stay on a level plane; joyful and thankful. I can say 99% of the time I wake up happy and looking forward to the day.

Even as the events of the day progresses and situations occur that could easily rain on my parade, I open up my umbrella and move on. But, once in awhile my umbrella jams and I find myself having a full fledged, feel sorry for myself pity party– getting soaked to the bone.

Yep, that’s what happened last week and being a festive person I decorated for my pity party. I went all out, putting up balloons and streamers everywhere.  I don’t just put up streamers for my current weeks pity party; like my sister being diagnosed with breast cancer, or the economy so far in the toilet we don’t have a plunger big enough to fix it, or that I don’t have what it takes to finish the book I started two years ago. No, no, no, I go back years, put up more streamers of pity about all the unfairness and injustice of a lifetime.

I know I’m not alone in this, author Missy Morrow wrote about her own pity party after hearing of her cancer diagnosis. She was much more sociable than myself and invited guests, who I know for fact, were trying to crash my party.
    
 “When I heard of my cancer diagnosis, I threw myself a party–a pity party.The first guest to appear was Fear. In his gift, I found the fear of losing  friends and facing financial pressure and my own mortality. Next  to arrive was Doubt. Inside his gift was the doubt of whether I would see my children grow up and would be attractive when this was over. Not far behind was Anger. His gift contained anger at how cancer would turn my life upside down, and yes anger at God. Dread seemed to take his time getting to the party. His gift was the dread of the treatments and losing my identity.
The last guest to appear was Jesus. I raced toward Him and quickly opened His gift to discover:

                        Hope…promise for the future

                        Strength…the ability to endure

                        Grace….God’s Help

                        Comfort… in pain, trouble and anxiety

                        Peace….calmness

                        Healing….restoration of mind, spirit, and body

                        Joy…..a sense of well-being

                        Love… compassion and devotion shown by God…..”

All of us, every once in awhile, will have a pity party, and that’s ok. Just remember not to leave the decorations up too long, invite Jesus and make Him a permanent guest.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5b

Morrow, Missy and Ann Scuggs. “Throw Yourself a Party.” Praying Through Cancer

Susan Sorensen and Laura Geist. Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, 2006.7-8

The Little Black Dress

Recently, Ron and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.  We had taken a short mini trip to Lake Geneva, Ill the weekend before as a pre-celebration and planned to go out to dinner the evening of our anniversary.

Every anniversary is special but when you hit those milestones and realize how much you still love each other, through all the challenges 15 years can bring–it’s particularly special.

My biggest challenge that day– what to wear? I went out that morning and made every attempt to buy something new. A woman really needs a new dress on special occasions such as this. I didn’t feel stressed, I knew in the back of my mind and in the back of my closet I had this really cute little black dress that I hadn’t worn in a while (insert red flag or a slap to the forehead). If my shopping excursion failed, I had a back-up.

The heat was turned up high that day as I went from store to store trying on dresses that were definitely sized incorrectly or who in their right mind would wear this. Even my failsafe Ann Taylor which typically comes to my rescue didn’t have anything that would garner that, “wow look” from my husband of 15 years.  By this time the heat was really getting to me and time was running out. The little black dress it is.

I laid the little black number across the bed and all the accessories and proceeded to get dressed. Hair; check, make-up; check, dress; 'you’ve got be kidding.' Did I mention it was little?

As I stepped into the dress, I was delighted to know it went smoothly past my ankles, smoothly past my hips, and finally up on the shoulders. Perfect. Then horror filled the room as I tried to zip this baby up.

Beads of sweat literally danced on my forehead. I thought about throwing myself face down on the bed and then trying to zip it, but there goes the make-up and I would surely suffocate. My next thought, Ron could just dig in his tool bag for some pliers. So what if I couldn’t sit or eat. That was but a fleeting thought–Ron holding his foot to my back and using his pliers to secure me in to this dress, negated the whole anniversary thing.

Then the moment of truth came, this little black dress somehow shrunk and had to go to its rightful place in the back of the closet, because we all know I’ll be able to wear it again someday. Unfortunately, I did not have a back-up for the back-up, and for the next ten minutes I proceeded to pull everything out of my closet.

Ron was taking a shower during all of this drama and was unaware of my clothing dilemma. I was a tad bit sweaty and out of breath when we got into the car but he was none the wiser and complimented me, but the “wow factor,” not there. Side note to men–a woman always knows when she looks great and when she just looks ok, ALWAYS.

We had a lovely dinner but I decided the next morning to start trimming down. My goal is not to get into that little black dress; you just have to let that go. No, the goal is to be healthy and happy. It’s not the dress that makes the woman, but the woman that makes the dress– no matter the size. And one less trip to the sweet table might be in order.

But in case you ever need a pick me up, go to Chicos. It was the last store I visited that hot day. As I entered, the saleslady cheerfully asked me what size I wore. I gave her my range and she indicated that I was a size ONE. I’m still chuckling as I cheerfully took her by surprise and gave her a big old bear hug and blessed her and her whole family. However, one caveat, have coupon in hand unless you want your wallet trimmed too.

I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works and that my soul knows very well. Psalm 139:14

A Sweet Sweet Word

Last Friday my daughter Gina and I met at Loyola early, very early and proceeded to get all the tests my oncologists had ordered. MRI, tumor biopsy, CT scan and a bone scan, which took the whole day. Fortunately, I had gone the day before to get the digital mammogram.

Wednesday morning was the day for the results and consult. Ron went for a walk early and continued to pray and my son Phil met us at Loyola. Two years ago Phil's lightening speed on the blackberry made it possible for him to take down every word of our conversation when we met with the oncology team. His fingers were ready.

Again, I was at great peace. I had many, many people storming heavens gates. My former Pastor Steve in Morris, Marty and Carol prayed with Ron and me Sunday, as Pastor Steve anointed and prayed for healing. Loved ones close to me fasted and prayed and the peace continued.

One of the most unexpected and touching prayers came from my eight year old twin niece and nephew, Lori and Jay. Ron had called to speak with his sister, but Lori answered the phone. She said, “Uncle Ron, how is Auntie Wanda?” He told her that I was hanging in there. She then said,” will you tell her that I am praying for her and mom told us we have to pray a certain way.” Jay, not to be left out, jumped on the phone and said, “I’m praying too Uncle Ron, the whole family is praying.”

The next time Ron spoke with his sister, he asked her what Lori meant. She told him,” I always tell the kids when they pray, to pray in Jesus name.”  I called to tell Sally to thank the twins for their prayers. She told me that every night since they heard, Jay and Lori would go together in Jay’s room where he has a little prayer stand that he made, with all his prayer books and they would pray for me not to be sick. It doesn’t get any more precious than that.

When the oncologist entered the room, she sat down, and said, with little emotion, “every thing is fine.”  That actually wasn’t processing. After a moment I asked, “are you telling me the tumors are benign?” She said,” yes.” I reminded her that last week you were sure the cancer had returned and the breast surgeon was advising me to leave the smaller tumor in place to see how it reacted to chemo.” She said, “I know we are both surprised by this, we have had emails going back and forth. I asked her if she was sure she had the right person and the right tests. She indicated that was something they looked at very carefully as well. There is no cancer anywhere in your body.

Tears welled up for all of us; actually, Ron had to step out of the room. Phil’s fingers were silent. We sat in amazement at the good news. As we stepped out of the office, my best friend Judy was walking toward us. I looked at her and said, “it’s benign.” We hugged, we cried, we laughed. We all stood around talking for a few minutes about getting a second opinion. Sounds good, second opinion, lunch, perhaps a little shopping. Living life, how sweet that sounds.

Ron and I went by my moms and had lunch with her and my brother, celebrating the good news. My sister told me from the beginning, “your cancer is not back,” she believed that with her whole heart. Things like this are particularly hard on her and my son Sam because they live in other states. But through technology and Skype, it’s like I have them right here. They may not can physically hold my hand or be with me but their love and prayers transcend time and space and I can feel them always holding my heart.

As we drove home, I kept telling Ron about the amazing peace I had all week and I wondered if all of this was for someone else. As if God was saying, “I have to take you through something for a short period but I’m going to hold you and give you peace.” I did exactly what I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me all week and I left the rest with Him.

We may never know this side of heaven the answer to, “Why?” We can know this side of heaven that God is sovereign and in control. Would I be writing something different if the cancer was back? No. As one cancer survivor and friend said, “God is good all the time.” We never know what a day or moment will bring, it is important, it is imperative where we stand with Christ.

I have been trying all week to get ready for a wedding for this week-end in St. Louis ~ dress, jewelry, shoes. I had other things occupying my time and wasn’t sure if I really felt like dancing but we were going to help celebrate this young couple’s new beginning.

I have to say nothing like the sweet word, BENIGN, to get me looking for my dancing shoes. 

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for all your prayers and love and Carpe Diem, we only have the promise of right now.

Hungry River: A Yangtze Novel

“My dear, Lizzie, you and your child are in Almighty God’s hands, whether here in Shanghai or on the River, whether in life or death. What’s important is that we’re together and serving the Almighty.”  One of my favorite passages from, “The Hungry River,” by Millie N.S.

I first met Millie at a Christian Writer’s Conference along with a young beautiful author Jena in 2009, whose own memoir, “Hollow," was published by Moody last year. I had finished my last chemo treatment two days earlier and was only able to attend the one day.

For me it was a perfect day. As it was meant to be, I have become good friends with two women whom the Lord has taken the story of their lives and inspired them through the written word, to encourage and help others. I know we all have a story but believe me, not all stories are equal, helpful or intriguing.

I am currently reading a book~ a book club pick and honestly, I really don’t know how or why it was published.  I thought at first it was going to tell me a lot about the Mennonites because she happened to be raised in the Mennonite faith. Wrong. It is such a struggle to read. But I enjoy the company of my book club friends, I enjoy the food and I get through it,

An agent friend, Diana, once wrote how it disheartened her to see so many great stories not getting published when the likes of some books (that make us shake our heads and say, “really,”) grace the shelves of our bookstores, internet, and television.

I couldn’t put Hungry River down.  I am not a reviewer and if you go to Amazon.com, her first review captures the book in far better detail than I could.  http://www.amazon.com/Hungry-River-Yangtze-Millie-N-S/dp/1591967422/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1301415311&sr=1-1

It tells of Millie’s grandparents and how they met, truly a love story. A calling to be missionaries in China in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s in the midst of the Boxer Rebellion. The binding of women’s feet, killing of baby girls and bodies floating down the river. 

The story begins with snippets of Abbie’s present day journal, after “Abbie goes through and sorts out her China boxes ~ boxes that held her family’s old journals and letters.”  “Hungry River” takes you from 1864 to 1931 and the sequels, which  I’m looking forward too; “Dragon Wall,” from 1933 to 1958 and “Jade Cross,” from 1967-2008..

Besides the history of China in that time period and falling in love with the characters, “Hunger River,” left me with an appreciation, a deep caring and amazement in my heart for those who are called to the mission field in foreign countries. To leave all the comforts of home, and all their families to share the gospel of Christ to often hostile people, risking their lives and the lives of their children, I am in awe.

There is a sign that many churches have as you leave the premises. There was such a sign in the older church at First Baptist in Morris, that I read every time I left; “You are now entering the mission field.”  I know we are not all called to leave our families and go to foreign lands to share the gospel but we are as Christians all called to give a cup of cold water and proclaim the gospel of Christ.

I Corinthians 7:17 “But as God has distributed to each one, as the Lord has called each one, so let him walk.”

The Fight Continues

Cancer Sucks !! I hate that word, well actually I hate both words, but stinks, just doesn’t quite cover it.

I met with my oncologist yesterday after a concern of mine and her words were, “it appears that the cancer has returned.” Having triple negative I knew there was a chance but I didn’t expect it so soon.

The first time I heard the words, “its cancer,” I was devastated. I shook, I cried. For months I could not get control of the fear and wrap my head around this horrible invader. After having the tumor removed, it appeared the three main lymph nodes were clean. They sewed me up and sent the nodes off to the lab.

Upon closer examination there was a smidge in one node. Another surgery. On my second treatment of chemo, my gallbladder was infected and spreading poison throughout my system. Another surgery. Recently because of the gallbladder surgery, apparently three stones managed to drop in the bile duct and decide they liked living there, which would have caused a life threatening situation. Another procedure. I really think there should be a cap on surgeries and procedures in one’s lifetime, not from an Obama Care mandate, but just sayin’.

I fought the fight the first time and have read other stories where the cancer has returned and thought, oh my goodness, I would fall apart. But guess what? I heard what the oncologist had to say, and I was amazed at the grace and peace God showered on me yesterday and today. Tears came as I thought about Ron, my mom, my family, my bucket list, but not for long. I refuse to go back in the pit that God has taken me out of. I refuse to let cancer control my life. It will have some part of it, only to fight it; but not all of it.

It did NOT take my laughter this time, it did NOT take my joy. I have a renewed sense of God’s love for me daily. Now, don’t get me wrong, they have ordered a slew of tests for Friday. And I’m thinking, how can one tell what state the tumor is until the tumor is under the microscope? I do know whatever road I’m on God is there, I feel Him, He has me! I remember one of the songs I heard right after the first diagnosis, “He Knows My Name,” and He does.

I often comment on, how do people get through hard times without Christ?  If you could feel what I’m feeling now, you would run to the cross. It’s supernatural. I’m a big fraidy cat when it comes to surgeries and tests. I have that peace that surpasses my own understanding. All I can do is thank God for giving me what He promised in Timothy. Love ( His love), Power (the power of the Holy Spirit), and a sound mind (the mind of Christ). That’s a winning combination.

I’m off now to the library, my sister and daughter have done some research and I would like to see all of my options. I’d rather get some books, because sometimes, the internet is just a scary place, too much information. You know what they say, “hope for the best and prepare for the worst.”  My hope is in Christ, can’t get any better than that.

I will probably use this blog with any updates now and then, because I will have other things to write about besides cancer. I guess that’s one way to get some followers, ha.

My next post will be about the latest book I recently read, “Hungry River,” by Millie N.S. Loved it. It’s a trilogy and I’m placing my order for the other two. I need to know what happened with Nils, Alfred, Meggie and Abigail. If you are so inclined ~stay tuned.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkw3a4raWfg

Psalm 34:1-4

“I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in the LORD; the humble shall hear of it and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt His name altogether. I sought the Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all my fear.”

Valentines and Crockpots

 Even though Ron and I celebrated Valentine’s Day yesterday, I thought, let me make a nice dinner, get the china and candles out and set a pretty table. After all, it is a day of love and he is my valentine.

 It started out good; I had a ton of errands to run so I put the chicken and all the fixing’s in a crock pot for chicken cacciatore. It cooked all day and the aroma was mouth watering. I put a pretty tablecloth and place settings out but realized I had no tapers. No worries. I just took my huge candles from my bedroom put them on pretty plates and put them all over the table, a little excessive but who doesn’t like a lot of candle light?

As I put the garlic bread in the oven, cooked the pasta it was time to take the chicken cacciatore out of the crock pot. Ron commented on how nice everything looked and how wonderful “whatever” was cooking smelled.  

Whatever was cooking, was right, to my horror, the chicken fell a part in pieces right off the bone right into the sauce, the sauce that I needed for the pasta. You couldn’t tell a leg from a thigh and I still don’t know what happen to the wings. There were large bones, small bones, tiny tiny bones. This was not good.

Ron has a hard physical job and the man is starving when he gets home.  Well, I did my best to get the bones out, but as  I plated it very nicely (presentation is everything,ha), I informed him he might want to be careful because there might be a few bones that I missed.

Between the excessive candlelight and picking out the bones of every bite he took, the poor guy worked up a sweat. He hung in there for quite along time, until I finally told him; you don't have to eat this. But as he wiped his brow for the fifth time with the very nicely placed cloth napkin, he went in for a second helping.

His only comment was, ‘he doesn’t work this hard on his job.” I started laughing and couldn't stop. After all these years I knew he was eating the food not to spare my feelings, but he was eating the food for mere survivorship and apparently the man was starving.

Bad news; I had to throw the rest of the meal a way. Good news; I transferred the candles to the family room and no trips to the ER, at least not yet.

Dessert anyone?

Someone You Should Know

Last weekend Ron and I along with three other couples were invited to our friends, Terry and Sandy’s home for dinner.

Food was great and conversation even better.One of the couples, Terry’s brother Ted and his wife Linda are a blast. They are such a neat couple, married for many years they have tons of stories and really find the joy in life.

One particular story tugged at my heart, it was a story about Sam; Ted and Linda’s four year old Golden Retriever.  He is a beautiful dog and his beauty even goes deeper than that gorgeous face and golden hair.

When Sam became a member of Linda’s family, Linda decided to sign him up for animal assisted therapy training. She wanted Sam to bring some joy to those who were lonely or shut-in because of illness or age and where possible assist in the healing process. 

There is a lot involved with the training of these pets for assistant therapy especially the grooming, which Linda does personally. The animals have to be bathed and groomed before every visit, which can be a weekly or twice a week occurrence.

Since 2009 Sam is a registered Delta Pet Partner and visits in the hospitals, nursing homes and wherever his assignment may take him. This past year alone Sam has made over 70 visits. Because he is so good at what he does, Sam became in demand and the invitation to visit children presented itself.

Linda always felt that bringing Sam to children with life-threatening illnesses was something her tender heart could probably not do and in the beginning avoided such visits. Then a dear friend of Linda’s gave her a piece of advice that gave her the courage to allow Sam this opportunity. She told her, “Linda, this is not about you, it’s about them.” Linda and Sam have never looked back.

Linda shared a story about a girl, Audrey undergoing cancer treatment at the Ronald McDonald House. Sam would visit Audrey and before long Linda, Ted and Sam forged friends with Audrey and her family. When Audrey finished treatment she went back to her home in Iowa.

Months later Linda received a call from Audrey’s family, telling Linda that Audrey did not have much time left. They told Linda, Audrey’s last request was to see Sam. As usually is the case, it was the same week-end that a friend of Linda and Ted's had passed away and funeral arrangements were being made.

Linda and Ted feeling torn felt the strong need to drive Sam to see Audrey. Linda made a call and explained the situation to the family whose funeral she needed to attend and within hours, Ted, Linda and Sam were on their way to Iowa to see Audrey.

They all had a joyous reunion, Audrey excited to see Sam and Sam excited to see Audrey and after a great visit they said their good-byes. The next morning Audrey passed.

The story doesn’t end there, even though Sam is the hero, Linda and Ted saw a need in this family. With all the medical bills and other circumstances, they knew the family was in financial difficulty. Linda went home called her friends and raised enough money to send to the family to help with Audrey’s funeral.One of Linda’s friends without hesitation dropped off a $1000.00 check as soon as Linda explained the situation.

They say animals take on the persona of their masters~ is it any wonder, Sam is who he is. Just a side note, Sam accompanied Wanda’s Warriors on our first annual walk for breast cancer. He proudly wore a pink scarf and walked in Grant Park with the thousands of other people.

These furry friends are loyal, courageous, and smart, as is the case with my own sweet golden; Bailey, who licked my tears away during my cancer diagnosis and never left my side during the wee dark morning hours.

Just another one of God’s many blessings to those of us fortunate to have one of these furry friends in our lives.

Happy New Year

I love the start of a new day, a new idea, a new year. This year is no different, especially if the year has been particularly difficult or challenging.  

As I rang in 2011 I made my New Year goals as I have done for so many past years. Being very much a type-A gal, I break my goals into categories; spiritual, physical, intellectual, relationships, finances, work, projects and FUN.

Throughout the years there has always be one fun item on my list. Nothing to daring; oil painting , Tae kwon do, guitar lessons, flower arranging, container pot planting (say that ten times), Toastmasters.  I have even attempted baking birthday cakes and believe me it’s easier and less expensive to pick up the phone and order.

A new year is the anticipation of good things to come, I love the verse “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”  We all have sorrow or hard times befall us but we can all take a lesson from David knowing that God will return our joy, He will turn our mourning into dancing and we have the hope of a promising future.

I’m excited about 2011. A few things in my life are in the beginning planning stages and as 2010 came to a close I offered my list of goals to the Lord for His blessing, for His direction. For my family and friends to have a healthy and productive year. For those who suffered losses of family, homes, jobs, and relationships to have their joy returned.

I brought in the year knowing and thanking God for how truly blessed I am.